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PADDY DOYLE 



OR 



A MUTUAL FRIEND 

AN IRISH FARCE 

IN ONE ACT AND ONE SCENE 



BY P. A. WALDRON 
•I 



Copyright, 1898, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



^1 




NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN STREET 



t 



PADDY DOYLE ^^^ ^ 



OR 



-? 



A MUTUAL FRIEND 



^ 






^ 



CHARACTERS. 



Paddy Doyle 
Peggy Casey 
Mr. Lovelady 
Ida Lovelady 
Harry Sterling 
De Buffer . 



An Irish man-servant. 

An Irish lady's-maid. 

Troubled with lovers and servants. 

In love with Harry Sterling. 

In love with Ida. 

. A rival suitor and heavy swell. 



Time, about thirty minutes. 



COSTUMES. 

Paddy Doyle, regular Irish costume, jacket, red waistcoat, cordu- 
roy knee-breeches, narrow-brim gray felt hat, gray stockings, 
and shoes with buckles. 

Peggy Casey, natty servant's costume, short skirt, and small lace 
cap. 

De Buffer, a heavy swell, silk hat, fancy walking-cane, and eye- 
glass. 

The others, in ordinary costume suitable to each character. 



PROPERTIES. 

Eye-glass, cane, and whisky-flask for De Buffer; letter for 
Paddy; an old, shabby coat and hat, and burnt cork. 



fpy 



PADDY DOYLE. 



¥ 



Scene.— ^ room in Mr. Lovelady's house; a table and one or two 
chairs, and a screen at back of stage. 

Paddy Doyle. [Heard singing outside] 

(Tune, "Rory O'More.") 

"Bryan O'Lynn had no breeches to wear; 
He bought a sheepskin for to make him a pair; 
' With the woolly side out, and the fleshy side in, 
'Twill be plisant an' cool,' said Bryan O'Lynn." 

[He pokes his head in right, and peeps round cautiously before enter- 
ing.] Well, Oi belayve it's as good to sing grief anney day as to 
cry it. There Oi v/as, in the grandest situation that ever a daycent 
gossoon could be in; but me own divilment got me the sack. An' 
the foine 'atin' an' dhrinkin'! Begorra, if Oi'd stuck to the imploy- 
mint, in about a wake's toime Oi'd have had such a corporation that 
Oi'd have fallen over me own feet, for the simple rayson that Oi 
couldn't see 'em. But oh, the faymales— mornin', noon, an' noight! 
The sorra one of me v/as foive minutes in the house whin the ould 
disaise broke out in me— coortin', bad luck to it! Oi couldn't be 
aisy, so Oi couldn't. An' Mary Ann, that ought to have had betther 
sinse, nothin' would do her, if ye plaze, but croogin' with mesilf. 
Well, bad luck to ye, Mary Ann, wherever ye came from. There, 
one noight, Oi set mesilf behint the door, whin Oi heard a footstep; 
an' Oi, thinkin' it was the same onshugh of a Mary Ann, an' that Oi 
could stale a foine daycent shlobber of a kiss in the dark [smacks 
his lips]; but whin it came to the squazin' an' kissin'— oh, murther! 
[pulling an ugly /ace]— the whiskers! an' the shmell of whisky an' 

3 



4 PADDY DOYLE. 

brandy, an' rum an' gin, an' ale an' beer, an' porther an' stout, an' 
about a dozen other teetotal dhrinks! 'Twas loike a beer-saloon. 
Begorra, only for Oi'm a man with a foine constitution, 'twould have 
set me dhrunk— sorra a lie in it! 'Twas the ould man Oi was kissin', 
instead of Mary Ann, an' that's the rayson Oi'm in search of another 
situation now. No more coortin' for me; and no more Mary Anns 
for the prisint, ayther. Oi'd swop all the Mary Anns in the world 
for one daycint masther that would pay a respectable bit of a bhoy 
loike mesilf something handsome at the ind of the week. Oi've bin 
towld there's a loikely chance for a loikely man here, so Oi pushed 
me face before me, an' here Oi am on the strin'th of it. The door 
was open, an' the doorway big enough to git me feet through, so Oi 
thought Oi'd have a look around an' see what sort of a kind of a 
place it is before Oi inthroduce mesilf to the establishment. [Has 
a walk around, then looks off at left.] Well, shpake of a certain 
person— but here comes one that looks loike somebody. Begorra, 
Oi'll kape out of soight for a minute, an' see who he is first, an' what 
he's up to. [Hides behind screen. 

Enter Mr. Lovelady, l. 

Mr. Lovelady. Well, I am thoroughly annoyed with these Irish 
man-servants. No sooner have I one of them initiated into the 
v/orking of the premises than I discover him courting the girls, 
and, in order to maintain the discipline of the establishment, I feel 
constrained to dismiss him. They are exceptionally good servants, 
but seem to have an extraordinary leaning towards the two w's— 
whisky and women. I wish I could secure one with something of 
a decent connection. 

[ Walks backwards and forwards across the stage. 

Paddy. [Protruding his head from behind the screen] Be jabers, 
Oi'll manufacture a lot of aristocratic ancisthors for mesilf. [Co7nes 
forward.] Good-morrow to ye, sir. 

Mr. L. Well, my good fellow? 

Paddy. Faith, you're lookin' loike a man that one would loike to 
imploy; an' if yer anney way daycint and libberal Oi'll ingage ye as 
me masther, in consideration of ye givin' me the sum of five dollars 
a week, boord, washin', dhrink, an' lodgin'. 

Mr. L. Well, I must say you are extremely presumptuous. 

Paddy. Sorra a one of me knows roightly what ye mane by that. 
But you don't seem to appear to know the koind of a sort of a gintle- 
man you're addhressin'. Allow me to tell ye, sor [draunng him- 
self up and tapping his chest], that Oi'm a laynial discindant of King 
O'Dhiideen More and Queen D'honor own dhpwkins, beddes Prince 



PADDY DOYLE. 5 

Bawneen More an' Princess Caubeen, with their youngsters Fang- 
mur-than-shay and Neel-as-uggum, who reigned in ould Oireland 
fifteen thousand years before the flood swept thim out of the counthry. 
An', coniin' down to raycint toimes, shure ye must recollict yersilf 
that me great-grandfather's grandfather was uncle to Queen Slap 
Bang's grand-aunt's second cousin, who was called af ther his mother's 
step-brother, King Hullabaloo. An' so the kindhred an' relationship 
comes down in the grandhest manner iver ye saw, till it arroives at 
the best and daycintest man of the whole of thim, an' that's mesilf, 
Paddy Doyle, all the way from Connaught, begorra. 

Mr. L. [^Turning away and smiling aside] That's aristocracy 
enough, in all conscience. I like the fellow, somehow, and think I 
shall give him a trial. [To Paddy] By the way, have you any 
letter of recommendation to show me? 

Paddy. Ricommendation, is it? Shure, fwat's not in me face Oi 
carry in me pocket. [Searches in his pockets, and hands Mr. L. a 
paper.] Rade thot, now; 'tis the last one Oi got, and the first one, too, 
for the matther of thot. 

Mr. L. [Reads] "To all whom it may concern—" [Speaks] Ah, he 
has got somebody to write this. [Reads] "Having known Paddy 
Doyle all his life, I strongly recommend him as an honest, indus- 
trious, and sober man, and worthy of all confidence and the highest 
wages. (Signed) Paddy Doyle." [Speaks] Well! that's refreshingly 
original. [Laughs heartily.] Paddy, my good fellow, I'll just go 
down into the kitchen and make arrangements for you to commence 
your duties at once. Follow me there in a few minutes; I want to 
give some instructionatabout you first. You'll be able to find your 
way down-stairs to the kitchen, I presume? 

Paddy. Thank ye, yer honor. Faith, Oi'll foind the kitchen all 
roight, niver fear. [Exit Mr. L., l. Paddy walks about, talking 
to himself.] Oh, Paddy— Paddy Doyle, ye lucky rascal! Lastnoight 
Oi was goin' to bring ye out into a quiet field an' kick smithereens 
out of ye; but now, Paddy, me darlint, Oi fale loike axin' ye to come 
into the nixt saloon an' have a foine big dhrink in honor of yer new 
place, only Oi'm teetotal, so Oi am. Here, Oi'll take no excuse, nov/. 
Come along, Paddy, ye rascal, an' have a limonade, or Oi'll pull the 
coat off yer back. [Pulls himself by the collar, and exit, R. 

Harry Sterling peeps in, r. 

Harry. The coast seems clear [walks in], though my reasons for 
being in Mr. Lovelady's house do not seem quite so clear. There 
would be no end of a row if he caught me here. The fact of the 
matter is, my anxiety to get Ida's reply to my letter has m.ade me so 



6 PADDY DOYLE. 

restless and unsettled that I have actually ventured into the lion's 
den myself in the hope of getting my darling's answer a little 
sooner and ending my suspense; though, knowing her love for me, 
why I should have any anxiety as to what her answer will be, I don't 
know. There would be no occasion for all this concealment of our 
love but for the stupid feud existing between the two houses. On 
account of this her father is resolutely opposed to our union; and 
as there seems neither immediate nor remote possibility of a recon- 
ciliation being effected, we must simply take the matter in our own 
hands and get married privately at the earliest opportunity. There 
seems nothing else for it, especially as her father favors the suit of 
a Mr. De Buffer, who has no earthly recommendation whatever, to 
my thinking; and I can quite believe Ida when she says she would 
rather die than become his bride. It is most unfortunate that this 
miserable misunderstanding exists between our two paters, as other- 
wise I believe there would not be a single obstacle to our union. 
[Walks across, and looks off at L.] Now if I could only come across 
that new Irish servant they've got, I should probably get to know 
something; at any rate, I should at least hear whether she has re- 
ceived my letter. This new servant seems a very genuine sort of 
fellow. [He starts, and listens.] Hark! what's that? It won't do 
for Mr. Lovelady to catch me here. I think I'd better clear out whilst 
all's safe. [Walks across stage, then stops suddenly.] But Ida's 
answer— let me see; yes, I'll send my servant Peggy round the 
back way to see if she can get it. I must have this suspense ended 
as soon as possible. [Listens a moment; then, hearing a slight noise, 

makes his exit hurriedly, R. 

Enter Paddy, l. 

Paddy. Shure, Oi'm on the job. Oi'm a post-office, so Oi am; an', 
what's more, it's a fine situation, an' Oi mane to kape it, so Oi do. 
Iverybody betther open ivery door to me, or, bedad, Oi'll— Oi'll come 
in an' open 'em mesilf. Shure, it's the beautifullest taste of a letther 
Oi have here for Mr. Sterling from Miss Ida, an' it's foine an' proud 
Oi am to be doin' 'em a sarvice. He's a foine man, is Mr. Sterling, 
an' so's Miss Ida. Anneyway, they both know how to trate a Doyle 
whin they see one, good luck to 'em! Now, hould aisy! where did 
Oi put that letther? 

Enter Peggy, l., and stands just inside the door. 

Peggy. [Aside] I wonder if this is the new man Oi was to throy 
an' ax for the letther? 



PADDY DOYLE. 7 

[Paddy meanwhile has been searching everywhere for the letter, in 
all his pockets, his hat, and boots. If desired, he might produce from 
these various places quite a conglomeration of articles more or less 
amusing. He then looks along the floor, walking towards the door, 
and nearly running into Peggy. He starts back. They mutually 
recognize each other.] 

Paddy. [In surprise] Peggy! 

Peggy. [Also surprised] Paddy! 

[They rush into each other's arms and embrace^ 

Paddy. Arrah, me darlin', is it yersilf Oi have here. [Stands back 
and looks at her.] Musha, but Oi thought Oi'd niver see a soight of 
ye ag'in, afther yer lavin' the ould counthry. Arrah, come here, now, 
till Oi make a limon-squazer of mesilf . [Again embraces her. Busi- 
ness.] Murther! but this is beautiful altogether, so it is, out and 
out. 

Peggy. Oh, Paddy, Paddy! is it yersilf that's in it at all, at all. 

Paddy. Yis, shure; Oi'm me own mother's son, an' it's yersilf 
that's a soight for sore eyes. Musha! Peggy darlin', d'yer remim- 
ber Tim Doolan's wake, whin Mick O'Reilly wanted to take yer from 
me? An' didn't Oi lave the spalpeen in bed for a month, with the 
polthogue Oi gave him at the butt of the lug? 

Peggy. Faith, an' ye did, Paddy. More power to ye! But Mr. 
Sterling says Oi was to ax ye for the letther from Miss Lovelady. 

Paddy. Arrah, now be aisy a minnit. Come here. [Again em- 
braces her.] An' didn't Oi knock down Mullowney's tint at the fair of 
Kilkelly, and kick up the foinest row altogither bekase Mike Mul- 
larkey said he'd have you from all the Doyles in the County Mayo? 
An' didn't Oi break the noses of the police that came to arrist me, 
an' spind three months in jail, an' all for the sake of yer own swate 
silf? 

Peggy. Thrue for ye, Paddy acushla, yer did; an' Oi'll niver for- 
git it. But, Paddy, give me the letther, dear, an' let me be goin'. 

Paddy. Arrah, don't be botherin' me now. An', Peggy, shure you 
don't forgit to remimber— orra, come into me thrashers ag'in, me 
darlint! [Embraces her once more. 

Peggy. But, Paddy dear, ye must give me the letther. The 
masther says Oi wasn't to stay a moment longer than was necessary 
to git the answer. 

Paddy. [Standing with his hands in his pockets and smiling at her] 
An' so it's with Mr, Sterling ye are? 

Peggy. [Shaking him] D'yer hear, Paddy? Shure, he'll be comin' 
himsilf, if yer don't look sharp. Give me the letther. 

Paddy. [Jumping suddenly, quite alarmed] Oh, murther! an' it's 



8 PADDY DOYLE. 

thrue for yer. Oi've clane forgotten all about the letther. [Aside, 
and again searching for the letter] An' me towld to hurry loike the 
ould lad was afther me. Faith, Oi'm shure of the walkin' papers 
afther this, anneyhow. [Aloud] Begorra! here ut is! An', 'pon me 
sowkins, but it's proud an' glad an' daylighted Oi am to be actin' the 
post-office for ut. [Hands it to Peggy, who snatches it, and rushes 
out at R., stopping at the door to throw Paddy a kiss.] An' bad 
luck to ye for wimmen, if it isn't ye that gets a daycent bhoy into 
quare scrapes. This coortin' will be my ruination, an' isn't it timpted 
Oi am, afther all? Faith, Oi must dhrop these gallivantin' thricks 
soon an' suddint, or it's gittin' into thrubble Oi'll be; but in throth 
it's mesilf that'll always loike to be the postboy so long as Peggy 
Casey is postboy in the other establishment. [Looking out at r.] 
Arrah, who the dickens is this? Mr. De Buffer, begorra, comin' to 
do the coortin' thrick, Throth, thin, Oi'm thinkin' it's the ugly kick- 
out he'll git from Miss Ida, for she's gone complate an' swate on the 
other chap, and it's Paddy Doyle himsilf that'd loike to see thim 
buckled nate an' toight, an' no mistake. He's landed, bedad. 

Enter Mr. De Buffer, r.; speaks in a drawling and affected 
manner. 

De Buffer. [Mournfully] Paddy, my good man. 

Paddy. [Saluting] Well, yer riverence. 

De B. Is Miss Ida at home? 

Paddy. She is. 

De B. Is she engaged? 

Paddy. She is that! But he isn't here now, so come in. 

De B. [Sits very languidly in a chair] I come on a very delicate 
mission, Mr. Doyle. 

Paddy. [Aside] ''Mr. Doyle," indade! What's up now, I wonder? 
He sounds moighty bad. [Aloud] Is that a fact, sor? 

De B. Yes, Mr. Doyle; a very delicate mission indeed. 

Paddy. Shure, an' 'if it's so delicate as that, why don't you take 
it to a dhoctor an' get it physic'd? 

De B. Ah, Mr. Doyle, my dear fellow, don't mock at me in my 
present position, I beg of you. I desire to unburden myself and 
make a confidant of you. 

Paddy. [Looking very serious] Make a what of me? 

De B. a confidant. 

Paddy. An' what's that, shure? Is it anneything in the postboy 
loine? Bekase, if it is, Oi'm imployed alridy by the postmisthress- 
gineral of this establishment; an' jolly good postage is paid on the 



PADDY DOYLE. 9 

letthers, too, Oi can tell ye. None of your penny an ounce in this 
post-office, me bhoy. 

De B. I'm going to propose— 

Paddy. [Interrupting] Well, if you git some one to second the 
resolution, Oi'll pass it unanimously. 

De B. For Miss Ida's hand. 

Paddy. [Laughing heartily, M. De B. staring at him very seriously 
through his eye-glass] Faith, thin, it's a noice article she'd look 
goin' about with only one hand, an' you afther havin' two of your 
own alridy. Shure, Oi don't think she wants to commit suicide yit, 
me bhoy. [Laughs.] Arrah, go 'long out o' that with ye, and don't 
be afther jokin'. 

De B. [Very seriously] Mr. Doyle, I was never more serious. 
You misunderstand me. I intend to ask Miss Lovelady to marry 
me, and, between you and me, I feel in the dooce of a flurry. I feel 
as if I can never summon up sufficient courage for the ordeal. Ex- 
cuse me, but I really must raise my spirits a little. [Pulls out a 
fiask, drinks himself, and then holds it out to Paddy.] Have a drink. 

Paddy. No, thanks; Oi'm teetotal. If Oi took a dhrink, shure, it 
would make another man of me, and the other man w'u'd take a 
dhrink too, and the two of us,— that's me— w'u'd kape on dhrinkin' 
with each other till we'd be fightin' dhrunk. It's a poor look-out whin 
Paddy Doyle has to have his spirits raised with a bottle. Bedad, 
it's t'other way about. It's lowerin' they want. Shure it's high 
spirits that's always gittin' me into thrubble, so it is, spicially with 
the wimmen. Faith, if Oi raised 'em anney more with that stuff 
it's all over the place Oi'd be, an' knockin' spirits out of iverybody 
else. 

De B. Ah, you're a lucky man, Mr. Doyle— a very lucky man. 
You don't know what it is to be in love [sighs], deeply in love. 

[He has another drink. 

Paddy. Well, Oi don't know about that; but, begorra, Oi've niver 
been in your state, that's quite sart'in. Faith, if Oi got that way, Oi'm 
afraid it's takin' to the bottle Oi'd be, mesilf. [Aside] An' it's up 
a tree it 'u'd be with Paddy Doyle thin. 

De B. [ Who has just been having another drink, gets up and walks 
slowly toivards Paddy] I say, Mr. Doyle, you'll excuse my detaining 
you a little, won't you? but you have no idea how it relieves me 
[taking another drink] to make a confidant of you. 

Paddy. [Aside] He's relaving that bottle a good dale. [Aloud] 
It's all right, sor; niver moind me. 

De B. I— I— really cannot make up my mind to face Miss Ida 
just yet. I don't feel quite equal to the task. 



10 PADDY DOYLK 

Paddy. [Aside] Just fancy Paddy Doyle being loike that— afraid 
of a woman. [Laughs.] A task, indade! [Aloud] Ye don't mane 
ye want me to ax Miss Ida /or ye? 

De B. Oh, no— no, no! I shall be better presently. 

[Another drink. 

Paddy. [^sitZe] Or worse. 

De B. Tell me, Mr. Doyle, do you think there's much hope for me? 

Paddy. [Aside] Hope, indade! for half a man loike that! [Aloud, 
slowly and seriously] Wor you iver a tumbler in a circus, Mr. De 
Buffer? 

De B. [Looking very surprised] My good fellow, what a singu- 
lar question! No! I was not. Why do you ask? 

Paddy. Bekase Oi thought it moight be of use to ye now; for 
when you ax Miss Ida to marry you, ye stand a good chance of gittin' 
kicked down-stairs, me bucco. That's why Oi ax, if ye want to know. 

De B. Oh, I say, Mr. Doyle, you— really— you make me nervous— 
extremely nervous; you do indeed. [Takes a drink.] But perhaps 
you can give me some advice in the matter? 

Paddy. Faix, I could, an' plenty of it. If you'll take my advice, 
you'll lave that bottle alone. 

De B. [Slapping him on the back, and appearing to be livening up 
a little] Ah! you don't understand, my dear sir. Why, that bottle's 
one of the best friends I have. 

Paddy. [Aside] Thin Oi'm sorry for ye, so Oi am. [Aloud] Yes, 
ye seem to be very fond of each other. Ye kape very close togither, 
Oi notice. 

De B. [Taking another drink, and gradually becoming very jolly 
and lively] It's medicine, my dear boy, and puts new life into a man. 
Why, I'm feeling quite brave already. 

Paddy. As brave as a bull pup [aside] or a pot lion. 

De B. Have a drop, Mr. Doyle. [Holding out flask. 

Paddy. No, thanks; it's too strong for me. Oi'm rather wake. 

De B. Then strength is just the thing you want. Yes, sir [hold- 
ing up the flask]; it's a medicine. When you're sick, take a drink; 
and when you're ivell, take a drink to keep you well. In trouble or 
peace, storm or sunshine, at home or abroad, at a wedding or a 
wake, it'll stand your friend; and if you would propose to the girl 
of your heart, do as I am doing— take a few drinks, and the job's 
done. [Slaps Paddy heavily on the back.] Isn't it, old boy? I can 
talk to her now, Paddy, can't I? [Takes another drink. 

Paddy. [Aside, and rubbing his shoulders] He's gettin' moighty 
familiar, so he is, bad luck to him! But Oi suppose Oi'll have to 
humor him a little. He's gettin' past raysonin' with. [Aloud] 



PADDY DOYLE. 



11 



Paix, ye'll talk her into havin' ye, whether she loikes it or not. [De B. 
shakes his head knowingly, sits down, and has ariother drink.] Faith, 
it's a foine spache ye'll be afther makin' her. Begorra, she'll go 
crazy with deloight, and jump at ye loike a duck at a young frog. 

De B. [Jumping up] Did you ever hear me sing, Paddy? 

Paddy. [Aside] Murther an' onions, Oi'm in for it now! [Aloud] 
No, sor, Oi have not; but hadn't ye betther go an' see Mr. Love- 
lady first? Shure, ye'll do betther to settle with the ould man first, 
an' then ye'll have no thrubble with the lady. [Aside] Bedad! the 
ould man'll sittle him in quick-sticks. 

De B. There's plenty of time for that, old hoy— plenty of time. 
We'll have a song first. [Sings. 

(Tune, " There is no Luck about the House.") 

You've heard the praise of Rhenish wine 

In poetry and prose; 
But whisky, boys, still takes the shine 

For polishing the nose. 
It leaves a trade-mark, too, behind 

In front upon your snout; 
This danger-signal, you will find, 

Will make the people shout. • 

Chorus. He took a drop of Mountain Dew, 
The real old Irish whisky, too; 
It can't be beat, 'tis so complete, 
The real old Mountain Dew. 

If you are in a battle, boys. 

And walk amongst the dead, 
And hear the cannon rattle, boys, 

Until they pain your head. 
Just leave your gun upon the ground. 

And pull the bottle out. 
And every man that stands around 

Will surely grin and shout: 

Chorus. He's got a drop, etc. 

Paddy. [Pulling him gently back into a chair] Look here, me ould 
bucco, you'd betther sit down an' have a rist afther that. You've 
had your say; just let me have a throy. [Sings. 

Now listen to a word from me. 
Just lave the dhrink alone; 



12 PADDY DOYLE. 

The man who cannot let it be 

Can't call his will his own. 
Whin whisky's in the sinse is out; 

For both there isn't room. 
Lave whisky out, an' thin your shnout 

Will kape its natural bloom. 

Chorus. There's nothin' loike ould Nature's dew 
That God has made for you. 
He makes it nate, an' pure, an' swate; 
Don't spoil it, iDoys— hurroo! 

[During the singing of above De B. has several drinks, and gradu- 
ally gets drunk. When Fabby finishes his chorus by shouting "Hur- 
roo " and flourishing his hat over his head, De B. tries to imitate him. 
He jumps up, flourishes the flask, and shouts, "Hurroo— Hurroo!" then 
stumbles backward, and sits heavily on the floor. Paddy turns round 
in amazement and disgust, and surveys him leisurely from head to 
foot.] 

Paddy. [Aside] Well, if that does n't bate all! He's a trate, 
an' no mistake. [To De B.] Here, me ould beauty! don't ye think 
ye'd betther git up before ye tumble over yoursilf? Look sharp; 
here's a policeman comin'. [Helps him up. 

De B. [Staggering about the stage] Mr. Doyle— I— I say [Sings] 
"We won't go home till mornin'! We won't go," etc. Eh, Mr. 
Doyle? 

Paddy. Sorra an inch, ma bouchal, nor for a wake, for the matther 
o' that. 

De B. Mr. Doyle, I— I say, Mr. Doyle. [Sings] "We're all right 
jolly good fellows! We're all right jolly good fellows." Eh, Mr. 
Doyle? 

Paddy. Thrue for ye, the dickens a jollier. [Aside] Well, you're 
fixed, me boy, anneyhow. [Aloud] Look here; d'ye know where 
you're goin'? 

De B. Mr. Doyle, I— I'm going up now to ask my dear Ida to 
marry me. Amn't I right, Mr. Doyle? 

Paddy. [Aside, laughing] Oh, Paddy, me darlint, now for the fun. 
[Aloud] To be shure, ye are. But let me take your overcoat off 
first, an' fix ye up nate an' toidy. 

[Takes off De B's coat and replaces it with an old coat of his 
own. Places an old battered hat on De B.'s head, turns up 
the bottoms of his trousers, twists his tie all awry, and 
draivs black stripes down his face with burnt cork. 

De B. That's right, Mr. Doyle. I'll invite you to the wedding, Mr. 



PADDY DOYLE. 13 

Doyle. Oh, I feel as brave as a lion. [Slaps his chest, nearly knock- 
ing himself over.] So long, Mr. Doyle. [Staggers off stage, R., 
singing.] "We're all right jolly good morning! We won't go home 
till morning!" 

Paddy. [Laughing, and looking after De B.] Throth, thin, and whin 
ye go before 'em in that beautiful stoyle, Oi'm thinkin' it's a noice 
reciption you'll be af ther gittin.' Well, Paddy, ye rascal, the dickens 
couldn't be up to ye for thricks. [Looking off L.] Faith, here comes 
the masther an' his daughter. Shure, Oi must be off to see the fun. 
Bedad, the drunken wretch's goin' into the conservatory. 

[Exit after De B., r. 

Enter Mr. Lovelady and Ida, l., and take seats at table. 

Mr. L. Now, Ida, I cannot tolerate any further opposition. Mr. 
De Buffer is a gentleman of extremely excellent character, and oc- 
cupies a distinguished position in society. The fact of the matter 
is, Ida, as you force me to plain speaking, that I will insist on your 
marrying him. Candidly, I regard him as an ideal son-in-law. 

Ida. And, candidly, I regard him as a most undesirable husband, 
and you will acknowledge, I hope, that my opinion in the matter is 
of some moment. As jou force me to it, I must state, once and for 
all, that I decline the honor, and would die rather than marry him. 

[During above Ida has risen and gradually retired from table 
towards L.] 

Mr. L. [Rising] These are very lofty sentiments, my girl, and we 
must see if we cannot trim them down to the limits of reason and 
obedience. I have made up my mind that you shall wed my excel- 
lent friend Mr. De Buffer. He is a splendid match, and I shall 
tolerate no further rebellious display on your part. 

Ida. And / have made up my mind to wed Mr. Harry Sterling; 
and in an affair of this description I must respectfully refuse to be 
dictated to, even by my father. 

[Turns away haughtily towards left. 

Mr. L. We shall see about that directly. [Noise heard off right, 
and De B. singing, " We won't go home till morning," etc., in a very 
drunken voice.] Who in the world is this? 

Enter De B., r., staggering. 

Mr. L. [Amazed] Mr. De Buffer, and in this condition! Good 
heavens! the man must have taken leave of his senses. 

De B. Hallo! that you? How do, old chap? Come to ask the 



14 PADDY DOYLE. 

daughter, don't you know. For [sings] " We're all right jolly good 
fellows!" "Hurroo!" Say, aren't you going to give me the 
daughter, old bloke? Of course you are. Come and dance a 
waltz. 

[Catches Lovelady round the ivaist, hums a waltz, and attempts 
to dance. Lovelady shakes him off. 

Mr. L. Dear me, this is perfectly shocking! I'm thoroughly dis- 
gusted with the fellow. Ida, please retire; this is no scene for you 
to witness. [E.nt Ida, l. 

De B. Now, then, old chap, you promised me the daughter, you 
know, and here I am for her. "For I'm a jolly good fellow!" Eh, 
old bloke? 

Mr. L. [Aside, as he keeps walking out of De B.'s way] I must get 
this idiot out of the house at once. [Aloud and angrily] Get out 
of my house, sir, and never let me see you here again! [Calls off 
R.] Here, Paddy! Paddy! 

Enter Paddy immediately, r. 

Paddy. Yis, yer honor; Oi'm here. 

[De B. is still staggering about stage and singing snatches.] 

Mr. L. Show this— this /t^^/ow the door. 

Paddy. [ With a mock air of seHousness] In throth, an' if Oi do 
that same, sor, Oi'm afraid he won't see it, bekase he's bloind dhrunk, 
the blackguard, an' it's a great shame for him, so it is. 

Mr. L. Then throw him out. Pitch him out of the window, if you 
like; only get him out. Anything to get him away from my sight 
forever. [Exit, L. 

[Paddy makes a great business of taking off his own coat and waist- 
coat, leisurely turns up his sleeves, and then with great gusto kicks out 
De B., r, returning immediately for his coat and waistcoat.] 

Paddy. Begorra, but Oi'm the boy that can do a job nate an' 
complate. It stroikes me his hash is settled. He'll not come here 
again in a hurry. Oi guess Oi've sobered him. [Exit, r. 

Mr. L. [Entering l.] Gone, thank goodness! What a fortunate 
escape Ida has had! I shall no longer now withhold my consent to 
her union with young Sterling. [Exit, L. 

Enter Harry Sterling stealthily, r., dressed for journey. 

Harry. At last. It is now close on the appointed time. [Walks 
across and looks off L., then comes fonvard again.] I knew the dear 
girl's reply would be favorable, and yet I hardly dared open the 



PADDY DOYLE. 15 

letter when Peggy brought it to me. Let me read again what she 
says. [Produces letter and reads it.] " Dearest Harry : I thoroughly 
agree to the plan you propose, and will meet you at the time you 
state. I share your regret that we are compelled to act against 
the wishes of my father, but I see nothing else for it. I am deter- 
mined nothing on earth shall keep us apart. Mr. De Buffer calls 
this evening to receive his final answer. Need I tell you, dear 
Harry, what it will be? Yours till death, Ida." No, dearest; you 
need not tell me what it will be, for never for an instant have I 
entertained the slightest doubt of your truth and fidelity. Though 
influences, strong and persistent, have been at work to alienate your 
affections from me, your true womanhood has nobly asserted itself, 
and this day terminates the period of uncertainty and suspense. Ah! 
here she comes. 

Enter Ida, l., wearing a traveling cloak and hat. 

Ida. [Going up to Harry] Oh, Harry, I'm glad you have come. 
I feel so nervous. 

Harry. [Taking her hand] I much regret, dearest, that we must 
take this step without your father's consent; but I am prepared, 
darling, to make any sacrifice for your sake, and cannot express how 
deeply grateful I feel for the one you are making for me, 

Ida. I would do anything, Harry, for your sake, and I do not feel 
the slightest hesitation in taking the step that will make me yours 
forever. [She says this looking up at him very tenderly. 

Harry. Thanks, darling. I hope you will never have occasion to 
regret the choice you have made in accepting my unworthy self. 
[He starts, and looks towards entrance at left.] Good gracious! your 
father is coming. What shall we do? 

Ida. [Timidly, and catching him by the arm] I don't know, dear. 

Enter Mr. Lovelady, l. 

Mr. L. [With an amused smile] So, so, young folk. You expected 
to have the nuptial knot tied without my presence or consent, I sup- 
pose. It v/ill probably now surprise you both to learn that I have 
not the slightest objection. 

Harry and Ida. [In surprise] You haven't? 

Mr. L. No, I have not. I find I was completely deceived in that 
fellow De Buffer. He made a most disgraceful exhibition of him- 
self, as you have probably been told already by Ida, and I had him 
expelled from the house. I have just been in to see your father, 
and the prolonged misunderstanding between us no longer exists. 



16 PADDY DOYLE. 

So you can both prepare for having the ceremony carried out in a 
proper and brilliant manner. 

Enter Paddy, r., slowly, hat in hand. 

Paddy. [Saluting Mr. Lovelady] Oi came to tell ye, sor, that 
Oi'm goin' home to the ould counthry. Oi've just had a letther from 
an uncle's son of moine, an' he says, says he, they're playin' the 
dickens over there with christenin's and weddin's; and, begorra, Oi 
fale lonesome-loike whin Oi'm missin' the fun. 

Mr. L. But surely you will wait to see this wedding over. 

[Pointing to Ida and Harry, who stand close together, smiling. 

Paddy. [Looking at them, and then jumping with joy] Hurroo! 
Murther! [Throwing his hat up, and catching it again.] A weddin', 
is it? Faix, thin, it's mesilf that was wishin' for thim two to be 
buckled togither, God bless 'em. And thunder and turf! but it's me- 
silf that'll stay an' dance about tin thousand rale ould Oirish jigs at 
the ruction, and whin Oi go home Oi'll kill half the counthry-soide 
with pure joy and deloightment! 

Harry. Paddy, I believe you were slightly instrumental in se- 
curing o*ur happiness, and I shall be very pleased to make you a 
substantial present before you go. 

Enter Peggy, r. 

Peggy. [To Harry] Mr. De Buffer has axed me to come and till ye, 
sor, that he's going to Austhralia, and he'll niver thrubble ye ag'in. 

Paddy. [Aside] An' mighty small loss, the whisky-dhrinking 
ould baste. [Aloud] Peggy, they're goin' to be married [point- 
ing to Ida and Harry], an' whin the weddin' is over Oi'm goin' to 
pack up me thruskawn an' be off to ould Oireland, for [sings a por- 
tion of " Home, Sweet Home "] there's no place like home. 

Peggy. [Shyly] But, shure, ye won't lave me behint ye, Paddy? 

Paddy. Arrah, who, acushla? Faith, 'n' Oi'll do no sich thing. 
An' faix, we'll have a t'arin' foine weddin' of our own; an' won't we 
just thrip it out on the hearthstone, tare and ages! An' all the 
pipers, an' fiddlers, an' flute-players, and musicioners in the foive 
parishes will all be set playin' in the loft, begorra! [To audience] 
Won't ye all come? If there ain't room enough insoide, shure we'll 
knock down the soide walls, and let out the runnin'-strings of the 
gable. Then maybe ye won't have room enough! An' now, as we're 
all satisfied, Oi hope you are, an' thin nothin' will be wantin' to 
complate the happiness of your humble servant. Paddy Doyle. 

CURTAIN. 



PUAVS. 

DICK'S AMERICAN EDITION. 

Copies of any of the titles advertised on this circular will be settitt 
any address on receipt o/ 1 5 centS each. Send orders to 

DICK & FITZGERALD, 
18 Ann Street, - - New York. 

A HOUSEHOLD FAIRY. A domestic sketch in one act, by 
Francis Talfourd, One male and one female characters. 
Scene, a bachelor's apartment. Time, about thirty minutes. 
A bright and lively girl proves to a morbid, sentimental and 
desponding young bachelor that life is worth living ; a very 
well planned character sketch. 

A KISS IN THE DARK, A capital farce in one act. Tv/o 
male and three female characters. Scene, a parlor. Time, 
about forty-five minutes. A roaring Farce in which a sus- 
picious husband attempts to test his wife's constancy ; be- 
comes the victim of his own little plot, is properly humbled, 
and cured of his groundless jealousy. 

A MEDICAL MAN. A comedietta in one act, by W. S. Gil- 
bert. Two male and one female characters. Scene, a very 
untidy bachelor's room. Time, about forty minutes. A very 
ingenious and farcical domestic comedy of errors, whict. in 
spite of a serious blunder, and a pardonable deception, re- 
sults lu the happiness of both the parties concerned. 

A MOST UNWARRANTABLE INlHUSION. A comic inter- 
lude in one act by John Maddison Morton. Two male 
characters only. Scene, a parlor. Time, about thirty-five 
minutes. It shows how a personally unknown nephew, by 
the most ludicrous and eccentric conduct, manages to obtain 
from his uncle the hand of his niece and a fortune besides. 

A PAIR OF PIGEONS. A domestic sketch in one act by 
Edward Stirling. One male and one female characters. 
Scene, a parlor. Time, about thirty minutes. A very amus- 
ing matrimonial scene in which a wife cures her husband of 
unwarrantable jealousy. 

A TERRIBLE SECRET. A spirited farce in one act, by J. 
Stirling Coyne. Two male and two female characters. 
Scene, a furnished parlor. Time, fully an hour. In which Mr. 
Henpecker is the victim of a harmless hoax which involves 
him in a lot of imaginary troubles and funny perplexities, 
until the secret he struggles to conceal is shorn of its fancied 
terrors, and Mrs. Henpecker consents to be appeased. 

AN ELIGIBLE SITUAllON. An eccentricity in one act, by 
Thomas Archer and J. C. Brough. Four male and six female 
characters. Time, about forty minutes. A medley of philan- * 
thropy, jealousy, inquisitiveness, clandestine love-making, 
burglary and final happiness, 



FAIRLY TAKEN iN. A comic interlude in one act by Mrs. 
Charles Kemble. One male and one female characters. 
Scene, an apartment. Time, about twenty-five minutes. A 
suspicious lover's stratagem to test his betrothed is met by 
stratagem, and he is taught a lesson for groundless mistrust. 

FIRESIDE DIPLOMACY. A comedietta in one act. adapted 
from the French by Charles Smith Cheltnam. Two male 
and two female characters. Scene, an elegant parlor. Time, 
about forty minutes. A well-arranged domestic comedy in 
which a woman who henpecks her husband strives to create 
discord between a happy couple, and not only fails, but gets 
a wholesome lesson herself. 

FURNISHED APARTMENTS. A comic interlude in one act 
by H. A. Y. Five male characters only. Scene, a parlor. 
Time, about one hour. The fun begins with two gentlemen 
taking the same apartments, ordering the same supper, and 
each supposing the other an intruder, but finally discover 
that they are partners in the same enterprise. 

HIS FIRST BRIEF. A comedietta in one act by Sidney 
Daryl. Three male and tv/o female characters. Scene, a sit- 
ting-room. Time, about an hour. A medley of love, jealousy 
impudence and eccentricity, in which the characters are all at 
cross purposes, getting tangled up in the most ludicrous 
"situations," but with ultimate most satisfactory results. 

JACK OF ALL TRADES. A rollicking farce in one act, 
adapted for six male characters. Scene, apartment of a 
scientific student. Time, about forty-five minutes. The 
versatile and absurd performances of a fickle young man, 
who is everything in turn and nothing long, to the aggrava- 
tion of his father, but turns up sensible at last. 

MONEY MAKES THE MAN. A parlor drama in one act by 
Arthur Sketchley. Four male and three female characters. 
Scene, a parlor. Time, about fifty minutes. A scheming, 
avaricious father tries to separate two loving young couples 
in order to profit by a supposed inheritance, which turns out 
quite differently from his calculations. Matters are settled 
happily, and the schemer thwarted by the old invalid gentle- 
man to whom his daughter was to be sacrificed. 

MRS, WILLIS'S WILL. A comic drama in one act, adapted 
from the French of Emil Souvestre, for five female characters. 
Scene, a room in a farm-house. Time, about an hour. A 
drama in which avaricious hopes are not realized, the humble 
are exalted, and haughty pride is held up to ridicule. 

POISONED. A ludicrous farce in one act by Vincent Am- 
cott. Four male characters. Scene, a sitting-room in dis- 
orderly confusion. Time, about thirty-five minutes. Show- 
ing the vicissitudes in the love affairs of a young bachelor 
who is poor but has expectations, the pranks of his man, and 
the realistic effects of imaginary poisoning. Mrs. Priggit is 
a very characteristic Irish Washerwoman, played by a male. 



SLIGHTED TREASURES. A petite comedy in one act by 
William Suter. Fom: female characters only. Scene, a 
sitting-room. Time, about thirty-five minutes. A cleverly 
worked-out contrast between true and heartless girls, and 
sterling merit and frivolous aspirations, in which merit is 
triumphant over jealousy. 

THE DUCHESS OF MANSFELDT. A comic drama in one 
act adapted from the French of Souvestre for six female 
characters only. Scene, interior of a village inn. Time, 
about forty minutes. The Duchess visits her newly-acquired 
duchy incognito, and in several funny ways finds nobility in 
disguise may invoke ridicule through ignorance of village 
manners. She learns a lesson and profits by it. 

THE DUTCHMAN'S GHOST ; or, All Hight. An original farce 
in one act by S. Barry. Five male and two female characters. 
Scenes, a sitting room, and a street-thoroughfare. Time, 
about forty-five minutes. Introduces a tyrannical wife, a 
hen-pecked husband, a stupid Dutchman, and other comic 
di3,r3,ctc rs 

THE STAGE-STRUCK CLERK; or, The Office in an Uproar. A 
laughable farce in one act. Six male and three female 
characters. Scene, a lawyer's ofi&ce. Time, about thirty-five 
minutes. An over-smart lav/yer's clerk, always getting into 
scrapes which he evades by assuming the name of an innocent 
fellow clerk. His genius for inventing excuses help him out, 
but bring retribution at last. 

THE STUDENT'S FROLIC. A farce in one act, by T. S. 
Robinson, Three male and two female characters. Scene, 
a sitting-room. Time, about forty-five minutes. The per- 
plexing situations and subterfuges of a rollicking student in 
his endeavor to elude pursuit after a supposed murder ; with 
a climax. 

THE TRAIN TO MAURO. An amusing interlude in one act, 
by S. A. Frost. Characters, one male, one female, and a 
little boy. Time, about fifteen minutes. Scene, the waiting- 
room of a railroad station. The loquacious Mrs. Buttermilk 
and her enfant terrible nearly miss their train through a mis- 
understanding in regard to " to-morrow " and "to Mauro." 

TWO GENTLEMEN AT MlVART'S. An interlude in one act 
by J. Palgrave Simpson. Two male characters only. Scene, 
an ante-room in Mivart's Hotel. Time, about twenty minutes. 
A very entertaining duologue in which an_ old and a young 
gentleman are mutually objects of disdain, jealousy and rival- 
ry, only to find out that they are father and son. 

WANTED A YOUNG LADY. A laughable farce in one act, 
by W. E. Suter. Two male and one female characters. Scene, 
a room in a Country-house. Time, about fifty minutes. A 
very bright Farce in w^hich disguises, intended to deceive, 
are paid back in their ov.'n coin. It is "diamond cut 
diamond," introducing continual droll complicatiotis. 



t ACTING PLAYS ' t 

^ 15 cents each. ' 

'*' MALE AND FEMALE CHARACTERS. * 

J/, M,F. Jf, 

^ A Household Fairy, How she got him and kept him 1 I ^ 

4* A Kiss in the Dark, Kissing on the sly and the results 2 3 '^ 

J^ All at Sea, A brilliant little comedy 3 2 ^ 

A Medical Man, Blunders, deception and happiness 2 1 

T An Eligible Situation, Love, burglary and bliss 4 6 T 

fA» A Pair of Pigeons, Groundless jealousy cured 1 1 fA» 

, A Silent Protector, Ludicrous effects of a portrait 3 2. 

^ A Terrible Secret, A harmless hoax with roaring effects 2 2 ^ 

*^ Betsy Baker, A little plot for wife-cure . 2 2*^ 

^ Cinderella, Fairy-tale with songs and music 3 6 ^ 

Fairly Taken in. Funny cure for jealousy 1 1 

T Fireside Diplomacy, Cure for a henpecking wife 2 2 T 

iA» Freezing a Mother-in-law, An eccentric farce 3 2 f^ 

, From Punkin Ridge, A rascal unmasked, dialect characters ..63 « 

^ His First Brief, Love-making accidentally; very bright 3 2 ^ 

'f' Jumbo Jum, Introducing a funny blundering nigger 7 3 "^ 

^ Love Under Obstacles, Practical parlor pantomime 3 3 >, 

Money Makes the Man, Love triumphs over Avarice 4 3 

T Paddy Doyle ; or, A Mutual Friend, Paddy is great 4 2 T 

t^ Pat's Dilemma, The troubles of an Irish emigrant 4 3 *it> 

. Popping the Question, Everyone at cross-purposes 2 4 • 

^ Ten Nights in a Barroom, a great temperance drama 7 4 ^ 

'^ That Rascal Pat, His troubles under two masters 3 2 '^C 

A, The Billet DOUX, How she tamed her father-in-law 4 1^ 

The Dutchman's Ghost, Squelching a dunderhead Dutchman. . 5 2 

*¥* The Obstinate Family; or, A Family Fix, Obstinacy cured a 3 ▼* 

fift The Philopena; or,JealOUSy, How she cured her jealous husband 2 1 f^ 

. The Rival Lodgers, Adapted from " Box & Cox " 2 1 • 

^ The stage-struck Clerk, Innocence triumphs over guilt 6 3 ^ 

•^ The Student's Frolic, Lots of funny situations 3 2 "f* 

^ The Train to Mauro, Fussy old lady and terrible boy 2 I .#, 

"Wanted, A Young Lady," "Diamond cut diamond," nobody hurt 2 1 

"t* Who is Who? All tangled up at cross-purposes 3 2 '^ 

t Won by Strategy, A farce full of absurdities 3 1 • 

^ DICK & FITZGERALD, 18 Ann Street, New York, f 

t^i^wwwW'lf'WW 'A* •A' ♦A' *if* *ifl *Sf 



.LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



018 378 361 

I ACTING PLAYS J 

^ 15 cents each. ^ 

4, MALE CHARACTERS ONLY. 4, 

'i^ A Liost Unwarrantable Intrusion, How he won her 2 4* 

^ An Army of Applicants, Dude, sport, bummer, Pat, etc. 6 J. 

, A Spanking Legacy, A vendetta, with comical terrors 5 , 

A Sudden Arrival, Consternation and general rumpus 7 ^ 

T Furnished Apartments, Rival lodgers and fun 5 T 

f^ Jack of all Trades, Very funny cure for fickleness . 6 r^ 

^ My Next Door Neighbor, Character sketch 5 -r, 

Old Cronies, Character comedietta. Funny throughout 2 

^ Poisoned, Funny, but he didn't die , 4 ^ 

'^ The Musical Bore, The musical neighbor nuisance 3 *^ 

J» Two Gentlemen at Mivart'S, strangers; rivals; a discovery. 2 rim 

'*' FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY. *** 

. A Slight Mistake, Odd effects of a German lottery prize ticket 5 . 

^ Mrs. Willis' Will, Girls at loggerheads and lots of fun 5 

T* Slighted Treasures, Girlish jealousy and spite exposed 4 t 

f^(» The Duchess of Mansfeldt, Fun in a village 6 "^ 

^ NEGRO PLAYS. ^ 

f^ Barking Up the Wrong Tree, A darkey sketch 5 4» 

* Box and Cox, Negro version. Female part played by male 3 • 

Darkey Breach of Promise Case, Nigger mock trial 20 1 

'*' De Trouble Begins at Nino, Nigger interlude 2 t 

•^ Kerfoozlcm; or. The Quack Doctor, Ludicrous nigger act . . . 3 4* 

^ Never Mine de Why en w;harfo', Darkey interlude 2 i 4, 

Nigger Boardinc-House, Farce; female part played by male .. 6 

* The Stage-struck Darkey, A female part played by male 3 ^ 

'^ The Virginia Mummy, Screaming nigger farce G 1 4* 

^ DICK & FITZGERALD, 18 Ann Street, New York. ^ 



